We're officially in the "why" stage

A snippet of a conversation with a toddler:

"More Mickey Mouse, please," Pumpkin requested.

"No, baby, it's time to go upstairs and take a bath," I answered.

"Why?"

"Because you're dirty."

"Why?"

"Because you didn't take a bath last night."

"Why?"

"Because you have dry skin like Mommy, and it's better to have a bath every other day."

"Why?"

"So your skin doesn't dry out."

"Why?"

"That's how we're made."

"Why?"

"Just 'cause. Now let's get some water in a sippy cup."

"Why?"

"Because you'll want some in the middle of the night."

"Why?"

"Because you'll be thirsty."

"Why?"

"Because you sleep with your mouth open."

"Why?"

"Pumpkin, I don't know. Let's go upstairs to take a bath."

"Why?"

"Haven't we already talked about this? You're dirty."

"Why?"

And...the circle of conversation is complete.

Going to jail beats a roadtrip with Mommy

I've spent the last two weekends roadtripping with Pumpkin. Six hours (each way) in a car, alone, with a toddler. Feel free to have me committed.

After about 30 miles of singing a combination of "Bob the Builder" and "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" tunes, Pumpkin became unhinged just as my cell phone was ringing with an important call from Workplace.

By the end of the three minute phone call, Pumpkin was crying LOUDLY and begging to go home. We were coming up to a county jail, visible from the interstate.

"Pumpkin, if you don't stop crying, I might have to take you to jail," I threatened. (And with that, I officially forfeit my right to being named this year's Mother of the Year.)

The tears stopped. The backseat was quiet. "Jail?" he asked.

"Jail," I replied.

"Yea! I go jail! I go jail! I go jail!" he started singing.

Apparently, jail sounds better to a two year old than the prospect of being stuck in the car with a crazy woman who can't carry a tune. Go figure.

How can I be taken seriously if I'm wearing a swimsuit during a client meeting?

It's not one of those dreams: you know, where everyone is naked but act like nothing's wrong. It's not even the dream where you're the naked one and everyone is pointing and staring. No, this is real.

I have a client meeting in a few weeks. A meeting that will take place - at least partially - in water, in p00ls. A meeting that will dictate not the tried-and-true black business suit, not "business casual." No, I'll have to wear a swimsuit.

I have a new client, which has been part of the reason that I've been MIA recently. I'm really excited about this client, but I'm a little leery of donning a swimsuit, playing in the H2O with a client (and colleagues), and talking business while wearing a skimpy spandex suit.

There's no way out of this. I've need to visit each location over the next few months, and in order to fully understand the needs of each property, I need to "experience it." Shirts and coverups over swimsuits are against the rules.

I really don't have anything appropriate to wear. I'm thinking a suit should be 1) flattering (of course), 2) able to withstand playing in H2O, and 3) comfortable. And, I just realized that this means I'm going to have to get waxed before the meeting - ugh, one more thing for the to-do list.

So tell me: where did you find your last swimsuit? Any suggestions for a business-appropriate suit? And, where can I find something this time of year.

Totally appreciate any suggestions you may have...

"I go bapple pickin'!"

Pumpkin and I spent last weekend visiting family. We also went apple picking with my parents. And we picked, and picked, and picked. Two hundred and fifty pounds of apples later, Pumpkin's first experience with apple picking was over.

Here's the thing about my parents: number one, they don't do anything small. If we're going apple picking, we're going apple picking and that means not leaving until every apple is picked. Number two, if Pumpkin likes something, they will go to no end to make sure he has what he wants. Yep, he's not spoiled or anything. Turns out, they gave him some homemade chunky applesauce the week before. Pumpkin loved it, so the 'rents needed to make more, "because he really likes it."

Pumpkin and I didn't take any of the apples with us, and he really wanted an apple when we got home a few days later. "Bapple? I no bapples," he told me.

"OK, let's go get some. I need to get milk too," I said.

"We go bapple pickin'?!" he asked excitedly.

"No, it's raining. I thought we'd just go to the store."

"Nevermind. I eat cookies."

"Mommy, I'm going to taste this bapple before I put it in the basket." There were about a dozen apples with little teeth marks in our baskets.

Go Away Monster Spray(TM)

Pumpkin decided last week that he has monsters in his room. Really scary monsters.

We introduced Pumpkin to a toddler bed after some close calls in the crib, and he seems to be doing fine. Well, except for the monsters.

"I love the big boy bed! I can fill it with all my treasures!"

It started with furious pounding on his bedroom door one morning. "Daddy, I skaaared!" Pumpkin cried out.

G and I rushed to his room and found him clutching his blankie, standing by the door.

"Monsters," he said. "In my woom."

"Can you show me where the monsters are?" I asked.

Pumpkin took me to his bed, got on his hands and knees, and peered under the bed. "Down here," he said, pointing.

"I see. I have an idea, but it will involve a trip to Target after work to buy some special monster repellent. We'll make sure to get rid of the monsters before you go to sleep tonight," I promised.

"Otay," he answered.

The solution: Go Away Monster Spray(TM), aka water with a hint of Febreze. As I explained to Pumpkin: "The scent, as you probably know, repels monsters who don't like pleasant odors. The images on the bottle are just representations of the types of monsters that fear the Go Away Spray. This is not meant to be a comprehensive list of all the monsters repelled by this magic elixir."

Ha! Mommy: 1, Monsters: 0

The result: Two nights of spraying Go Away Monster Spray(TM) under the bed, in the closet, into shadows and corners of his room, and no monsters have been seen since.

Lions and Tigers and Dinosaurs, Oh My!

Annual Workplace picnic took place at the zoo on Sunday afternoon. Pumpkin loved it. In the days leading up to the picnic, I tried to prep Pumpkin by asking what kinds of animals he wanted to see.

"Penguins? Giraffes? Lions?" I asked, thinking of the animals in his favorite books.

"Nope," he replied. "I see dinosaurs."

"I'm not sure the zoo has dinosaurs, Pumpkin. How about we visit the elephants?" I answered.

"No. Dinosaurs. Lots of dinosaurs."

So, behold, a dinosaur. (You didn't think I'd disappoint, did you?!)

Look closely: behind the glass, swimming ever so elegantly is the rare "hipposaurus."

Then there was the post-zoo discussion about the fun he enjoyed with his friend, M.

"Pumpkin, did you have fun playing with M at the zoo?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Should we play with M again soon?"

"Yes, in the baft tub next time," he responded.

Not sure the next play date will take place in the tub, but G was pleased that his son proved quite the ladies man.

"Hey there, wanna see the dinosaurs?"

My Little Litigator

Scene: Dinner (lasagna and garlic bread). G and I on opposite sides of the table; Pumpkin in-between. G and I discussing his latest trial.

Me: When things aren't going your way, just say "You can't handle the truth!" It'll probably buy you some time to think of something better.

G (banging his fist on the table): You can't handle the truth!

Pumpkin: You handle trut! (bangs fist)

G: Your honor, I object! (pointing at me)

Pumpkin: Honor, I ject! (pointing at me)

G: Sustained! (waving arms in the air)

Pumpkin: Susained! (waving arms in the air)

Seriously, it was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.